Not everything is at it seems...

Words are about creating pictures or ideas in other people's heads. When trying to engage other people you will pull from your own experiences and try and describe situations in words that will make sense to the other person.

This can be difficult when two people have not had similar experiences. I remember trying to describe the concept of a library to one of my Turkish friends who had never been outside the town she lived in.

But the problem of incomprehension is not the only obstacle. Words have amazing power and each person will attach experiences, pictures, and even emotions to the words. This is made abundantly clear when speaking with multi-lingual people.Suddenly everyday phrases can take on a whole new dimension when seeing the person's look of surprise, horror or confusion. Some examples:

• "I went for a lovely long jump last night."
• Overhearing a teacher shouting "DIE!!" to the students.
• When an expecting mother who decides to share her news exclaims "I'm embarrassed!"

It doesn't matter how well you know languages, you will always have a stronger connection to a sound in one language than in another. This makes the brain leap to conclusions before it has time to evaluate which language the other person is speaking in. In the above cases:

• "Spring" is the Swedish word for run. The same word means "jump" or "bounce" in German.
• "Die" means "Enough" is Hebrew.
• The word for pregnant in Spanish is "embarazada"

When learning languages you need to spend time working out which pictures/ideas/emotions to connect to the sounds. When there already exists emotions connected to the sounds you are hearing, it becomes harder to break or expand the bonds.

I still smile when I'm driving around Sweden and see the signs below. It's not very helpful as I probably take the speed bumps at a higher speed than I should, having attached a happy emotion instead of a careful emotion to the word.

And for those who are as fascinated by data visualisation as I am, Small World of Words is a cool website showing what word association people have and comparing how it differs to a standard Thesaurus. 

Lost in Translation

In a work place with 11 different nationalities we are all very aware of the misunderstandings and invisible barriers that crop up due to not having a common first tongue. But it is not at my work place where I have experienced most of my language issues.

From my new favourite comic series, Wasted Talent

Recently, I was down in Småland visiting my parents. My sister and her boyfriend was also there and while we were all (but one) gathered, we decided to drop by Farmor, my grandmother. My dad gives her a call to warn her of our coming and says something in the style of "Ts fästman är också med".
This, which was overheard by the rest of us, created an uproar as the translation means "T's fiancé is also with us" My dad was attacked by all of us of how he could say something that wasn't true to Farmor and why he had to go and do that for.
He tried his best to defend himself,
"It doesn't mean fiancé! It means boyfriend!"
This to no avail as we could quickly prove that it did in fact mean fiancé, Wikipedia, says so. Dad remained quiet the rest of the journey. Once at Farmor's place and comfortably settled, it was felt that we had to explain the misinformation that had been given to Farmor. As the explanation that T had her boyfriend with her and not fiancé was accounted to Farmor, Farmor looked baffled. Dad proceeded to ask her what does "fästman" mean?
"Well, it means a steady boyfriend, of course!"

When growing up, I learned most of my Turkish "on the street" so to speak. This meant that I adopted words and meanings in accordance to where I heard them used. This is usually a good way of learning a language as you get the feel of the language directly. I did experience some slight problems though. How words are used do not always reflect their meaning, especially when it is kids speaking. For most kids this will be corrected, if not at school, then at home. Both these correcting institutes did not come to my aid because a) I spoke Swedish or English with my parents, not Turkish, and b) I was only in Turkish school part time for 5 years.

This interesting way of learning Turkish gave me some problems later on. I remember being shown something really impressive and exclaiming "Oha!", having naturally learnt that this is what to exclaim when something surprises me. The shock on the person's face when I said this! The person lost no time in explaining that this is absolutely not something that should be said by a civilised person. I later looked it up in a dictionary and the translation that came up was "Woah!" or "Stop". This did not seem so bad, so I disregarded the person's warning, assuming that the person was just being a prude. It was not until much later that the true meaning of the word was understood by me.
The word is used for herding animals, usually cows. As with most words that have to do with animals in the Turkish language, the daily use becomes vulgar and a more accurate translation of the word would be "Oh S***!"


Moral of both these stories, don't trust the dictionary.

Comic by Gruhn

Change = End?

My TCK-friends on Facebook have been sharing a blog link called  'third culture kid': what to do with change (not the money kind). I naturally had to check it out and it moved me to write my own thoughts.

"Nothing from the old world could enter into the new one. That's how it's always been. I felt there couldn't possibly be enough love, enough friendship in any of us to bridge the gaps, to build back towards each other after graduation and marriage and so much change."

And why should we try and bridge towards each other? What do we have left in common? Our lives are taking different directions so what could we have to talk about? I have killed many friendships thanks to this reasoning. I could no longer see how the relationship could continue in the way it has before so therefore I need to finish this relationship because, in my mind, I could never see how it could develop to something different. As a TCK, I have a tendency of glorifying the past, as that is how I want to remember it. To keep the memory of the friendship and not change it. 

This is what I couldn't fathom. That to keep the friendship it was up to the both of us to find a NEW way to continue a friendship. That change doesn't only mean new friendships, it also means new old friendships. And it is hard. 

" Because change is hard on souls and because I'd rather not admit all that space and time and life that's built a chasm in between us...and I'd rather not do the work of bridging it all. There's isn't time to anyway. The visit ends quickly and we slip back into our lives as if we'd never been friends."

It took a special friend to show that a friendship can change. That through change, a friendship can grow and develop to something more and something stronger. 

As I was always the one who moved away, I assumed that it would be me who changed the most. That I would grow away from my former friendships and they will just carry on in the same way as before and not want to change anything. It took my friend to show that this is not the case. That people change and grow for many different reasons. And most of all, my friend showed me that I need my old friendships. I change, and as a TCK I will adapt to the new situation I am in. But it is my old friends that will point out who I really am. How my decisions are based on my past life and why my history affects me.

Changing an old friendship is hard. It is so much easier to leave a friendship how it was then having to apply myself to finding new ways of continuing the friendship. There were awkward silences. There were misunderstandings. There were times where I just didn't have the energy.The friendship isn't as smooth as both of you were used to. 

Sometimes you realise that the friendship can't evolve. But when it does evolve, it is worth the hardship.

Group Dynamics and the Outsider

Having moved 14 times in my 24 years across 4 countries I have some experience of being the "outsider" when it comes to groups. The first time I was in a group from the start was when I started university and it was then I started thinking more about this group dynamics thing. It was also then I started wondering about how groups form and why they continue. I have also been thinking about how, as an outsider, it is possible to join a group. From my own experience I have rarely been successful in this escapade, although when I have succeeded it has always felt like a great accomplishment.

Groups are formed for many reasons. It can be of similar interest, experiences or a common goal that brings the people together, although it doesn't have to be only one of these things. When I think of groups I usually split them into two main sets, natural groups and synthetic groups. The reason I do this distinction is that there are different ways to approach these types of groups when coming as an outsider.

Natural Group

Natural groups are very diversified. They are usually formed because they often meet at the same place and do the same things, such as going in the same class, having the same interest which they spend a lot of time with or of convenience. Depending on the group size there can be pairs or  smaller groups within that are rarely seen separated. These groups are mainly social and are more laid back. As an outsider it gives a feeling of comfort, belonging/acceptance being part of this type of group. Having a similar interest is, of course, a central part to being included in the group but it is far from being the crucial ingredient for belonging. My experience has lead me to always try an identify the source that ties the group together. If the group has been a singular unit for a long period of time e.g. lived in the same neighbourhood since childhood, or started of as a synthetic group, it is a difficult group to enter and I have never succeeded with this. It is not because the group is unwilling to let new people in, the reason lies in the fact that they are not aware of what they do and say that excludes others and can therefore not be observant of this.

The easiest way to get included in a group is to be introduced by a group member. I'm not talking about a formal entry here. Just that when the group meets you are invited to hang out, or you are naturally there already when the group is there. It lowers the barrier that unconsciously forms towards strangers. A feeling of "Well, she knows X, so she can't be that different as we also know X" is thought and eases the awkwardness of having the barrier broken.

The next step is much more subtle and is not something that can be controlled. It is to incorporate the idea that the outsider should also be part of activities. Once again, it doesn't have to be so advanced, just that when plans are being made, that someone in the group says "Hey, how about seeing if Natalie wants to join in?" This is only possible if the idea of the outsider and the group can be thought of at the same time. This  can take a long time as it requires a breaking of a habit of not including people outside the group. It is easier if the outsider is naturally with the group at these times as then your presence stimulates the idea. Other ways include getting to know group members one-on-one as it is easier to spend time with one person then in the already set group time. This means that several people in the group has an incentive to remember the outsider.

The final step includes active participation in the group. All groups have a set of rules/norms which everyone unconsciously follow. It can be that you are always present at a certain gathering or that you inform the group of certain things. An outsider is not always aware of the rules that seem self-evident to the other in the group. This step requires an understanding from both sides. The group members need to be forgiving and able to offer guidance to the outsider; the outsider needs to be aware and willing to follow the norms for it to work.

Synthetic Group

Synthetic groups are usual in work or project situations. The group is often predefined with a set number of members and the focus lies on fulfilling a common goal. The group will usually have clear times when they meet and what they do when they meet. It is rare that an outsider is included in such a group but there are situations when this happens, such as when a project requires a certain expertise that it was not aware of that it required from the start, or when their is a new kid in the class which needs to join one of the school groups. The group rarely has any more say in the matter of an outsider joining other than it is required. As an outsider in this scenario no more is required from you than you pull your weight and make it clear that you also have the same goal.

A synthetic group can become a more socially natural group, depending on the members and how the group continues. But it is not a rule and is something that has cause hurt to the outsider if the outsider has only the synthetic group as it's social activity. It pays to be aware of what type of group it is and also what motivation the members have in keeping the group together. If many of the members do not feel naturally drawn to the group, there is little reason to believe that the group will continue was the goal has been fulfilled. A common goal, or a common history is not enough to keep a group together. The groups needs to fulfill everyone's need in some other way.

Facebook Profile

I am a very active Facebooker and got accounts on LinkedIn and Twitter. I not only check my accounts daily, but hourly. I am rarely offline and always have my eye open for any updates. I fill in pretty much all the information that is asked for and if you look on my "About" page on Facebook you'll see all the major changes in my life.

And today I get this question on Facebook:

Which I hate. What am I supposed to answer to this? Should I enter my Birth town (Jönköping)? The town I spent my youngest years (Antakya)? The town I remember the most from when I was little (Selcuk)? The town that supported us while we were out in Turkey and which we used to return to every other year (Vetlanda)?

My profile will have to continue being 90% complete... :-)

Guest Bloggers

So I have an idea of having a guest write a blog post on this blog once a week. The idea is that the guest should have lived in Turkey a while and is preferably an MK (Missionary Kid). The guest will have the opportunity to blog about whatever that takes their fancy as long as they follow the normal rules when it comes to writing blogs (no spamming, inappropriate material etc)

I am still in the process of looking over the details, but be prepared for some changes :-) If you're interested in contributing, don't hesitate to contact me!

Personal Motivation

Today I will be going to an evening seminar with two work colleagues. The title of the seminar is "Unleash the Power within" and even though is not a seminar I would have gone to by myself it will be interesting to see what it is. This seminar concerns what I believe is one of the most important aspects in Swedish culture; how to motivate the individual. This being said I want to reflect in what way motivation is represented in my own experience..

I moved to Sweden when I was 14 after having spent my 7 years of schooling divided between local Turkish school with 30 students in each class, individual homeschooling and international schooling in a mixed classroom with an age range of 6 years. The motivation I had was not "complete fourth grade, or you'll be held back a year" or "if I do this extra work I will end up on the honours list". For me there were no such things. Held back a year? what did that mean? I could complete all my maths for a year in 2 months and still have french assignments left from last year. End up on the honours list? What would I compare? How could I compare with people around me when they could be working on Turkish grammar and I had English literature?

My motivation, I believe most probably came from my parents. All their life they had spent working on something they believed in and their constant motivation of making a difference in the area they  found themselves. I saw my dad work constantly with the pioneer projects that were going on where we lived. I saw my mum motivate and See (with a capital S) the children and families in the area where we lived through her music, art and lessons. I saw both my parents make a difference to the people they met.

One of my mum's pictures from Turkey, Clicking on the picture will direct to her gallery

I entered the Swedish schooling system with an attitude that anything was possible. My childhood had just proven to me that there is more than one way to developing yourself so why worry? I changed schools 3 times in 3 years, every time because I and my parents did not feel the school did the job of what we believed a school should do, fulfill the needs of the student. Finally entering a school that satisfied our requirements I completed my high school and started university studying the subject that I enjoyed most of all; mathematics.

My motivation developed throughout this time. I studied economics and realised that the best way that I could make a difference is to specialize in the area I was good at and make use of my ability. And I focused on doing what I was good at. And because I was good at it I enjoyed doing it.

What lesson have I learnt from my own experience? I guess not to be afraid to do things differently. The "normal" way does not always have to be the best way.

This does not mean that the "unnormal" way is easy...

Eavesdropping

On the subway after a day at work. I've got the typical glazed look of someone who does not want to be disturbed. The usual chatter of who's done what with whose girl is being discussed eagerly over the phone in the corner while the rest of the subway pretends not to listen.

I hear a an exclamation of "Yok ya!" behind me and I sharpen my ears to try and distinguish the words from the noise. A girl and a boy are talking to each other.

My Turkish was never fully fluent and the years of neglect of the language leaves me poorly qualified to be able to hold a proper conversation. I listen hungrily as the words flow over me, understanding only partly what they are saying but enjoying it all the same.

They get off at the same station as I do. I "accidentally" end up behind them. The girls gives me a glance and then continues her conversation. And my internal battle begins. My internal battle against my cowardice. My internal battle against the natural instinct of not speaking to strangers. My internal battle against acting normal.  And I lose.

I turn away and walk a different path. I choose not to speak. And it is my choice. I can choose to hide that part of me that doesn't fit in. I can choose to act normal.